The trip from hell.

 Got in around lunchtime our time today, really no big issues after I talked to Phil yesterday when we were boarding for Paris.   After spending 4 days in the same clothes because they had our suitcases, a hot bath felt pretty good this morning.  Over a 1000 bucks in covid tests for us, because nobody knows what the fuck is going on at the airlines, and you get a different answer from every person you ask, for the same question.  We got sent through the ringer on this and I can guarantee you I know more about the ins and outs of this bullshit than anybody at the airlines.  I'm sitting with my wife last night after getting our third test in Atlanta ($300) after taking an uber to some shithole part of town to get a lab to give us instant lab test results of a pcr test. we got the paperwork back and I'm looking at my wife, who happens to be a better adobe manipulator than I am, and said...you know I could forge this fucker in 5 minutes.  She said I thought the same thing but didn't say anything because I knew you'd go there immediately. She does know me pretty well.  Seriously this is a walk in the park, and the airlines don't give a fuck anyway, they barely glance at it, just that you have it. they are just compliance officers for the country you are entering, getting on the plane is the battle though.  and then I get on the plane and scrolling through twitter, and what's the first thing I see?

This article!   Criminals are selling fake Covid test results as they look to profit from travel restrictions       So if any of you guys need chinese virus results give Dr. Mohammed Dallmann a ring, the cost will be a lot less than 300 a pop. thats the condensed version, if you want to give yourself a laugh at my expense, which I'm sure you do, here's the timeline.

Basic rule is you need a covid pcr (lab test) 72 hours before departure. A bit of a catch 22 here, as it takes 2 days to get results, so you need to schedule test after 1pm on a Tuesday, if your flight is 1pm on a Friday, as in our case. so you burn your 72 hours almost immediately.

Friday we spent 30 minutes on check in Orlando and were assured we had all in order with Skippy the Delta agent, off to Detroit for our first leg to Amsterdam.

Get to Detroit and are now told we need a rapid test, administered at the airport, for all flights to Amsterdam. just put in place 2 days ago.   We take the test, another negative.  Getting ready to board and the agent says your 72 hour window on the lab test will expire as this flight to Amsterdam will arrive next day. I insisted, rather loudly....that I asked that question in Orlando, and was told as long as we were in transit within the 72 hours it didn't matter. They said they will put us on a plane to Paris as they are not as restrictive.   Only thing is, that flight leaves from Atlanta tomorrow.  They give us hotel room for Friday in beautiful Detroit, a fukn winter wonderland,  and a ticket to Atlanta Saturday morning with a connect to Paris. They have our suitcases of course, which will come into play as this wears on.

Saturday morning we take off for Atlanta, get there at noon, sit in airport all day for a 6pm to Paris. Boarding with a boarding pass issued by them the night before, they now tell me this is a new flight, you are not in transit anymore, so your lab test 72 hour window has expired and you can't board.  I won't elaborate on the heated conversation that followed and the extreme embarrasment I caused my wife in front of a line full of people at the gate, but this is the result.  Book us on the same flight to Paris on Sunday, but we need to get a new lab test that gives immediate results on a Saturday night in Atlanta.  We have to take an uber to some shithole part of Atlanta that gives tests at an AIDS mission. now I'm starting to worry about that anal swab I been hearing about.  anyway, half hour later and we have 2 more negative results and 300 bucks lighter, we uber back to hotel near airport.

Sunday morning they book us on the Paris flight again which doesn't leave till 5.30 in the afternoon.  we get to airport at noon because we had to check out. overnight France issued a directive that they now require a rapid test within 4 hours of departure at airport even if you have a lab test. Being they were in clusterfuck planning stage on this, it took 2 hours to get a nasal swab and results.  We board Sunday night, arrive in Paris on Monday morning about 9 our time.  An hour later we board for Luxembourg, a 40 minute flight.  Arrive in Luxembourg and we are home free.  Then you get hit with the Columbo moment....."just on more thing".  You need to take another covid rapid test, to pick up your luggage and leave the airport. never mind that you've had 3 already in 48 hours.  FUCK ME.

My fukn underwear was crusty by the time I scraped it off when I got home.